


with the fire that you started in me

by singasongofus



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cheating, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Polyamory, Yuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-07-17 10:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16093412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singasongofus/pseuds/singasongofus
Summary: hyunggu walks back to bed on shaky legs, wrapping himself in the blankets. everything hurts-- his throat, his stomach, but his heart most of all.





	1. Chapter 1

Hyunggu raises his head sheepishly from where he’s slumped on the tiles, wiping blood from his mouth. It’s been a long time since he’s had an attack like this-- long enough that he’d almost forgotten how much it fucking hurts. He had been hoping Yuto would take the late bus home today, but it looks like he’s had no such luck.

 

“Oh geez,” Yuto wrinkles his nose from where he’s standing in the doorway, “let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

A glass of water, some crackers, and a couple minutes later, Hyunggu is nestled on the couch, leaning into Yuto’s side. The taller boy shifts to accommodate him, arm resting along the back of the sofa.

 

“So,” he begins.

 

“So,” Hyunggu takes a deep breath, “there’s a boy.”

 

Yuto snorts and Hyunggu feels himself relax into his best friend’s side. “His name is Yanan and he’s my Chinese TA.”

 

“And?”

 

“And nothing,” Hyunggu groans, “I’ll get over it. It’ll be fine.”

 

Hyunggu feels Yuto sigh beside him and resolutely looks away. “You’re clearly not fine, Hyunggu, I just saw our toilet full of purple flowers.”

 

“They’re violets,” the shorter mumbles into his hands.

 

“ _ And? _ ”

 

“And he’s so cute, Yuto, you know how terrible I am at Chinese but he’s just so cute and I don’t want him to think that I’m dumb or lazy so I’ve been doing the work and I went to his office hours and he’s just  _ so pretty _ up close and he smiles really softly and his lips look so soft and he has such nice hands and I just want to hold them and, and…” Hyunggu trails off, burying his face back in his hands, “and I think he has a boyfriend.”

 

A hand comes to rest on the back of his neck and Yuto hums thoughtfully, playing with the smalls hairs at his nape. “What makes you think that?”

 

Hyunggu fidgets, hands twisting together in his lap. “I saw him holding hands with Changgu.”

 

“What if they’re just friends?”

 

“I guess but…” he sighs, staring at his hands in front of him, “either way, he doesn’t like me.

 

“I can tell, Yuto,” he cuts off the taller boy before he get a chance to speak, “I’ve been going to office hours and stuff and trying to talk to him for a couple weeks now but he just…” Hyunggu sighs again, shoulders slumping, “he gives me the same smile he gives everyone else. And like, it’s a cute smile, but it’s not a  _ special _ smile, you know?”

 

Yuto hums again, hand coming down to squeeze the smaller boy’s shoulder. “Maybe you should just ask him?”

 

“Maybe,” mumbles Hyunggu, his head buried into Yuto’s shoulder by this point, “I’ll think about it.”

 

…

 

Yeah, he told Yuto he’d think about it, but Hyunggu’s made up his mind before he goes to bed that night. He’s been through this before, and he’s not willing to risk death for a cute smile. Before he drifts off, he wonders who cursed him to love so deeply.

 

He wakes up resolved to get over cute-smile-pretty-hands Yanan. First step, stop calling him that. And stop thinking about how soft his mouth looks.

 

Hyunggu contemplates screaming into his pillow but decides he doesn’t want to wake Yuto. He rolls out of bed instead, nearly hitting his head on the nightstand.  _ Fine, great, perfect. _

 

Despite the harrowing morning, Hyunggu manages to make it through the rest of the day without incident. He even goes to Yanan’s office hours without thinking about holding his hands-- okay, he thought about it once, but he’s still pretty proud.

 

Yuto’s in his room when Hyunggu gets home, and he pokes his head around the doorframe. “I’m doing laundry soon, do you have any darks?”

 

“Yeah, actually,” Hyunggu shrugs out of his jacket, “I can put them in.” He stops by the kitchen for a drink when Yuto comes by with the laundry.

 

“I told you I’d put them in.”

 

“Mhm,” Yuto hums, “do you want to wash your jacket too?”

 

Hyunggu tries to nod, but he’s in the middle of drinking juice and half of it spills out of his mouth instead. He grins sheepishly at Yuto, “Guess I have no choice now.”

 

Yuto just snorts, grinning cutely as he takes Hyunggu’s sweatshirt. “Did you want to cook together tonight? I was gonna make pasta.”

 

“Sure, I’ll chop some veggies,” Hyunggu smiles back. This is what he needs, right now. 

 

…

 

The garlic is minced and Hyunggu is moving on to chopping peppers when he hears Yuto opening the door.

 

“Hyunggu?” He hums in response, picking up a red pepper.

 

“I found a note from Yanan in your jacket pocket.”

 

It’s like slow motion, the way Hyunggu turns to see Yuto standing in the doorway, dropping the knife he’s holding.

 

“Hyu--” Yuto’s warning is cut off by Hyunggu’s whimper, sliding down to the floor with his finger in his mouth.

 

“Owww,” he mumbles around the finger.

 

Yuto’s already rushing own the hallway, banging his way into the bathroom. “Stay there Hyunggu, run your finger under cold water,” he yells over his shoulder.

 

Hyunggu obliges, running the cold tap and looking forlornly at the peppers on the floor until Yuto returns, hydrogen peroxide in one hand, antibiotics in the other, and bandaids between his teeth. The taller boy sits Hyunggu on the counter, pressing a towel to the cut so he can asses the damage. 

 

“Ouch, Yuyu, what are you--”

 

“I’m cleaning it, stop squirming!” Yuto has Hyunggu’s wrist in a strong grip, dabbing at his finger with peroxide-soaked cotton ball. Hyunggu reluctantly stills, letting Yuto dab on some antibiotic ointment before wrapping it in a bandaid. The taller gives his finger a quick kiss when he’s done, which makes him giggle.

 

“Okay, go sit on the couch and let me finish dinner, you big baby,” Yuto shoves him gently towards the living room.

 

Yuto cooks the rest of their dinner without incident, and they sit quietly with their pasta until he clears his throat awkwardly. “Do you, uh, want to see the note?”

 

Hyunggu nods, reaching out hesitantly and silently unfolding the paper that Yuto hands to him. He squints at the writing, biting his lip in concentration.

 

“Well,” Yuto shifts impatiently in his seat, “what’s it say?”

 

“Am I… empty… tomorrow…?” Hyunggu squints at the characters scrawled on the note.

 

Yuto stares blankly at him. “Are you what?”

 

“It’s in Chinese,” he whines, “we’ve barely started chapter four.”

 

Yuto already has his phone out, carefully drawing the characters into Google Translate. “He’s asking you out, you dumbass.”

 

Hyunggu almost chokes. “I-- He-- He what?” He snatches Yuto’s phone, and the characters stare back at him

 

你明天有空嗎？

_ Are you free tomorrow? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, my pentagon fic debut! i will be updating the tags as i update chapters, just to keep you all on your toes :~) i hope you enjoy this and look forward to future updates. a big thank you to the love of my life, hyunuwu for beta-ing !! i also don't know if chapters are always going to be this long, or how many chapters it will have but i hope to be able to update about once a week or once every two weeks.
> 
> and to those that are hoping for more moonsun, don't worry ! i'm working on it :~)
> 
> the title of this fic comes from billie eilish "[&burn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbQlBOHwZz8)"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait ! i've been really really busy with uni and i have a bunch of exams coming up so updates will be a little slow :-( thank you for being patient with me !

Hyunggu’s staring at the floor, hands shoved into his pockets as he waits in the hallway. He tenses when he hears a chair scraping, a rushed, “Thank you, Yanan!” before someone brushes past him on their way down the hall. It’s now or never.

 

He turns to walk through the door and bumps into something-- or someone, it seems, because Yanan is standing in the doorway.

 

“Sorry, office hours are-- Hyunggu?”

 

The younger smiles timidly. “Hi.”

 

“Hi,” replies Yanan, “I just ended office hours, but if you still need help, I can--”

 

“I came because of this,” blurts Hyunggu, holding Yanan’s note in front of him with both hands. The taller boy immediately goes pink, which Hyunggu can’t help but think is cute, before he steps back, ushering Hyunggu inside.

 

Hyunggu steps into the office and lets Yanan close the door behind them, looking nervous. “I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable,” mumbles the older boy, “I just thought that you had been flirting with me and I think you’re really cute and I uh…” he trails off, eyes boring holes into the tops of his shoes.

 

Hesitantly, Hyunggu crosses the room to stand in front of the taller boy. “Actually,” he smiles a little, “I wanted to tell you that I don’t have plans today.”

 

…

 

Honestly at this point, he should be immune to Yanan’s cuteness. But despite being both younger and shorter, Hyunggu can’t help but find the Chinese boy absolutely adorable. It’s their third date, and Hyunggu had suggested a roller rink, which Yanan had hesitantly agreed to.

 

Why he agreed, Hyunggu’s not so sure, because the taller boy is clinging to the wall, taking the tiniest steps possible. He leans too far forward and shrieks as he tries to maintain his balance, nearly landing on his face before he gets a good grip on the railing, holding on for dear life.

 

“Yananie, why did you say yes if you don’t know how to roller skate?” Hyunggu glides up next to Yanan, who shoots him a look-- half embarrassed, half panicked.

 

“You looked really excited and it was cute,” mumbles the older.

 

Hyunggu can feel a grin stretching across his face, “Sorry, what was that?”

 

“I said you looked cute, asshole!” Yanan tries to take a swipe at him and really does lose his balance this time, pitching forward and bowling the shorter boy over.

 

Vision swimming a little, Hyunggu rubs the back of his head. He nearly knocks his head again when he sits up, Yanan’s nose inches from his own.

 

“Oh my god, are you okay? Did you hit your head hard? Should we go to the hospital?” The older boy’s face is getting pinker by the second-- it’s almost as red as the laces on his roller skates.

 

Hyunggu pushes himself to his feet, regaining his bearings, “I’m fine Yananie, don’t worry,” he reassures Yanan with a smile and a quick peck. The taller jerks back in surprise, and almost takes another spill before Hyunggu reaches out to grab his hand. “Come on,” he says, tugging Yanan along gently, “You can do it!”

  
  


…

  
  


His mug of hot chocolate is warm, and Hyunggu wraps his hands around it, inhaling the fragrant steam. Across from him, Yanan is drinking tea, glasses perched on the end of his nose as he flips through a notebook. Hyunggu swirls his cup, wondering if Yuto is studying for his computer science exam. He can almost picture him, hair soft and messy as he tries not to fall asleep into his keyboard. Before he goes home, he gives Yanan a soft kiss on the lips and buys a latte with skim milk and a double shot of espresso.

 

“Yuto?” Hyunggu toes off his shoes in the doorway. The kitchen light is on, but the house is silent. “Yuyu, are you home?”

 

“Nghhh…” Yuto lifts his head off the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes. Hyunggu slides the coffee across the table and the brunette takes it with a grateful sigh. He can’t help but stare at the way Yuto’s hair is flattened on one side; his features seem to be softened by sleep and it makes Hyunggu want to reach out and squish his cheeks. He keeps his hands to himself but can’t keep himself from smiling at the way Yuto rubs his eyes with both fists, like a little kid.

 

They’re not doing anything, really. Yuto’s marginally more awake now, typing something on his laptop while Hyunggu checks twitter and steals glances at him, fighting the urge to fix his hair. They’re not doing anything, but Hyunggu’s missed this-- just being around Yuto. Despite the fact that they live together, he feels like he hasn’t seen much of the other between classes and studying and his dates with Yanan. 

 

Hyunggu stretches his leg to poke Yuto’s foot under the table. “Yuyu.”

 

Yuto keeps his gaze fixed to the screen in front of him, oblivious to the smaller’s fierce pout from across the table, “Mhm?”

 

“Your exam is on Friday morning, right? Let’s celebrate after classes,” Hyunggu pokes Yuto more insistently with his socked feet, sliding up to his knee where he knows the taller boy is ticklish. “We can get drunk and watch shitty movies.”

 

Pushing his chair back to stretch, Yuto nods, nudging Hyunggu’s foot back. “That sounds good,” he agrees tiredly, “but we won’t have anything to celebrate if I fail it.”

 

Hyunggu smiles, finally giving into the urge to touch Yuto’s hair. “You won’t fail, Yuyu.”


	3. Chapter 3

 

**To: Yananie (´• ω •`) ♡**

_we’re going to start the movie now !!_

_i’ll text you later~ ( •⌄• ू )✧_  
  
---  
  
_ good luck studying ! i love you !! ♡♡ _

 

Hyunggu locks his phone, sliding it onto the coffee table. The microwave beeps from the kitchen and the smell of buttered popcorn makes his mouth water. Yuto settles himself into the couch and Hyunggu immediately leans into him, grabbing a big handful of popcorn.

 

Yuto swats him playfully on the wrist. “If you eat all the popcorn now, we’ll have to pause halfway to make more.”

 

“We won’t run out! That’s why we made two bags, Yuyu,” he grins up at the taller, shoving more popcorn into his mouth. Yuto returns the smile, reaching for the remote to press play.

 

A third of the way into the movie, Yuto has all but melted into the couch, feet propped on the coffee table and slumped so far down he’s nearly horizontal. Hyunggu is curled up next to him, knees pulled to his chest as he focuses on the screen. At halfway through, Yuto’s eyelids are starting to droop, and Hyunggu’s laying sideways across the cushions, head on the armrest and legs draped over the other boy’s lap.

 

Hyunggu doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until the scratching in his throat wakes him up. He stifles a cough, trying not to wake Yuto as he climbs carefully off the couch. The pain doesn’t hit him until he’s in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water.

 

It feels like swallowing sandpaper. Hyunggu’s hands come up to grab at his neck and he gags as the petals push their way up his throat. He leans over the sink, spitting out purple flowers as he coughs them up. In the back of his mind, he tells himself to keep quiet, but he can’t think straight, can’t see past the bloody, bright purple blossom in the kitchen sink. It’s in full bloom.

 

Hyunggu manages to get himself cleaned up before he brings his blankets out to the living room, pulling one over Yuto before he curls onto the armchair, burrowing himself into his blankets. It’s a long time before he’s able to sleep, heart racing and head spinning with a million thoughts at once.

 

…

  
  


He really, really wants to trust Yanan. He wants to believe it when Yanan tells Hyunggu he loves him with that sweet, soft smile. And truly, Yanan has never been anything but good to him, has never given Hyunggu a reason to distrust him, and the younger feels awful for doubting him like this. But he can’t help but overanalyze his boyfriend’s actions; is he looking at his phone more than usual? Does he smile at Hyunggu the same way? The answer is no, he’s not acting suspicious, and yes, he looks at Hyunggu the same way he always has, as if the shorter boy put all the stars in the sky.

 

It’s warm today, and Hyunggu is using Yanan as a pillow, with the latter sprawled lazily in the grass of their university’s quad. Yanan had dragged Hyunggu out of the library in favor of buying him ice cream and a napping in the sun, and although the younger is still stressed about his impending exam, it’s nicer to be here, with his boyfriend’s hand carding lazily through his hair, the warm sunshine lulling him to sleep.

 

When it comes, he tries to will it away, tries to swallow down the petals that are threatening to choke him. It’s not until he nearly gags that he sits up abruptly, muttering something to Yanan about the bathroom before he hurries off, locking himself in the nearest bathroom he can find. He only has a moment to lament that the ice cream Yanan bought him is going to waste before the petals burst from his throat, the pain bringing tears to his eyes.

 

If Yanan noticed how he rushed off, he doesn’t show it, only giving him a kiss on the forehead and he puts him phone back in his pocket, humming quietly. They lay in the grass a little longer, but the wind starts to pick up and Hyunggu really does have to study, so Yanan sends him off with another sweet kiss and a candy that Hyunggu finds later, while he’s up to his neck in notes in the library. Yuto likes this candy, he remembers as it melts on his tongue. He smiles, savoring the sweetness for a moment before focusing back on his textbook.

 

…

 

“Hyunggu,” Yanan breath tickles his neck from where his head is resting on Hyunggu’s shoulder, “is everything okay?”

 

Hyunggu has to stop himself from sucking in a breath. Yeah he was ready for this question, but he wasn’t  _ ready _ ready for it. He hums in response, twisting his head a bit to kiss his boyfriend. “I’m fine, why?”

 

Yanan sits up, readjusting himself so he can see Hyunggu’s face. “I don’t know you just seem… a little quieter lately.”

 

“Sorry Yananie,” Hyunggu sighs, reaching his hands out. Yanan grabs them immediately, thumbs stroking across his knuckles comfortingly. “I’m just a little stressed, I’ve had a lot of exams and I feel like I don’t have time to study for them all.” He feels a little bad for lying, but he doesn’t know what else to say.

 

He feels more than a little bad when Yanan immediately frowns, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “It is because of me? I’m sorry Ggu, I keep distracting you from your studies and--”

 

Hyunggu lifts one of Yanan’s hands, pressing a kiss to the top. “It’s not your fault, I think I’d go crazy if you didn’t drag me out of the library every now and then.”

 

Yanan still looks troubled, but only leans in to kiss him gently. “If you say so.”

 

…

 

On a rare week with no exams, Hyunggu challenges Yuto to an all-night Mario Kart tournament: every course on the DS, then on the Wii that they borrowed from Changgu and Hongseok, then on the Switch. Hyunggu makes it all the way through DK Summit on the Wii, but by the end of Wario’s Gold Mine, he’s broken out into a cold sweat, rushing to the bathroom after the course is done without even looking at the standings.

 

He hears Yuto clear his throat as he’s spitting the last drops of blood in the toilet. The taller lets him take a sip of water before he drags Hyunggu back to the living room, shoving him onto the couch.

 

“How long has this been going on?”

 

Hyunggu clears his throat, grimacing at the metallic taste that lingers on his tongue. “A couple weeks now.”

 

“And it’s Yanan?”

 

“Yeah, I… I think so. The flowers are the same.” Hyunggu doesn’t miss the dark look that crosses Yuto’s face, but it’s gone before he has the chance to think about it too much.

 

“You need to tell him.”

 

He huffs, avoiding Yuto’s sharp gaze. “I will do no such thing.”

 

“Hyunggu,” Yuto’s voice is strained now, and he tugs on his hair as he runs his hand through it. “This could literally kill you.”

 

“And what am I supposed to say? ‘Hey Yanan, are you actually in love with me because I’ve been throwing up flowers and I feel like you’re lying to me?’”

 

The taller boy sighs, hands coming up to massage his temples. “I don’t know, Hyunggu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone, sorry for the long wait, i've had literally 6 exams since the last update, and i still have 4 more so i most likely won't be updating until thanksgiving. thank you for being so patient with me !
> 
> let me know what you thought about this chapter ! do you think yanan is lying to hyunggu ?


	4. Chapter 4

Yuto insists that Hyunggu go to bed early, cutting off Hyunggu’s protests with a look so sharp that it actually scares Hyunggu a little. He’s distracted, though, keeps checking his phone, and Hyunggu’s burning with curiosity, but he’s too scared to ask and it doesn’t look like something Yuto wants to talk about. Instead, he lets Yuto insist on putting him to bed, quietly wishes him a good night as the taller boy makes his way back to the living room.

 

Yuto’s right. Hyunggu knows he is, even if he wishes he didn’t. Yanan deserves to know what’s going on, and Hyunggu thinks that he deserves some answers, too. Yuto’s right, he thinks, clutching the sides of the toilet for dear life. It feels like there’s blood coating his entire throat, and Hyunggu has to rest his head back against the wall until the black dots disappear from his vision.

 

He walks back to bed on shaky legs, wrapping himself in the blankets. Everything hurts-- his throat, his stomach, and his gums, too, because he brushed and brushed his teeth to get rid of the taste of blood. It didn’t help, really, because he can still taste the metallic tang every time he coughs. It takes him a long time to fall asleep.

 

…

 

Hyunggu wakes up to a text.

 

**From: Yuyu** **ヾ(＾-＾)ノ**

_ morning ggu :-) _

_ you looked like you were sleeping well so i didn’t wake you ! i have to run some errands _

_ be back around noon !! _

 

He frowns at his phone. It’s unlike Yuto to go out without saying good morning, but what’s more surprising is that he woke up before Hyunggu. Normally, Yuto likes to roll out of bed around noon, and it’s only 9:30. Hyunggu’s mind flashes back to the night before-- Yuto staring at his phone screen, worrying his lip between his teeth-- but he pushes the thought out of his mind.  _ If it was important, he would have told me. _

 

_ If it’s important, he’ll tell me,  _ Hyunggu repeats to himself, wrapped in blankets on the couch. The taller boy made him hot chocolate, and Hyunggu capital-L Loves hot chocolate, but he’s more worried about the nervous bouncing of Yuto’s leg, the way he keeps patting his pocket where he keeps his phone. 

 

He goes to Changgu’s for dinner, only a little bit out of pettiness, and immediately regrets it when he has to run to the bathroom halfway through Hongseok telling them about how Hwitaek made a fool of himself (as usual) at the bar on Saturday. Changgu gives him a concerned look when he returns, but Hyunggu only shakes his head, swallowing hard around the pain in his throat. 

 

...

 

Hyunggu decides to talk to Yanan on Sunday, before he has to face him in Chinese class. He thinks about not facing him at all, dropping the class and hiding out in his apartment for the rest of the semester, but he can hear Yuto telling him that he can’t run from him problems forever (Hyunggu disagrees-- he is  _ very _ athletic). Still, he doesn’t need his best friend’s nagging to know that he has to face Yanan eventually.

 

He takes his time to getting ready: standing under the shower spray for longer than he probably should, worrying a little more than usual about the state of his hair, and agonizing over whether he should wear his own hoodie or Yanan's. Eventually he settles on neither, and pulls on one of Yuto’s sweaters, figuring he might need the comfort.

 

The walk to Yanan’s apartment takes forever, or at least it feels like it does; Hyunggu alternates between dragging his feet and speed walking, focusing on his breathing to block out his racing thoughts. He can’t shake the tension from his shoulders, pulls Yuto’s hood lower over his eyes when he steps into the elevator of Yanan’s complex. Hyunggu pushes the hood back when he gets to Yanan’s door, though, and runs running a trembling hand through his hair. He takes a deep breath, and knocks.

 

Yanan opens the door looking flustered, and Hyunggu opens his mouth to say something before he realizes why. 

 

Yuto is sitting on Yanan’s couch, hair mussed and lips pink like he’s been kissing someone. Like he’s been kissing Yanan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone !! sorry that it took me so long to update, and that this chapter is kind of short-- the next one will be a bit longer, as i'm pretty sure it will be the last one.
> 
> leave a comment and let me know what you thought of this one !


	5. Chapter 5

Hyunggu’s world stops, tilts, and starts back up all at once. He knows that Yanan reaches out to him, that Yuto shouts something, but it’s hard to make sense of everything through the ringing in his ears, the stinging in his eyes and throat.

 

He’s running before he even realizes it, feet carrying him down the stairs, out the door, into the streets. The cool morning air does nothing to clear his head, thoughts still going a mile a minute. 

 

_ His _ Yanan and  _ his _ Yuto. His Yanan  _ with _ his Yuto.

 

Suddenly the hoodie-- Yuto’s hoodie-- feels like it’s choking him. It had been so comforting, earlier, to pull the familiar fabric over his head, breathe in the scent of his best friend, but now it feels wrong, suffocating. He’s halfway to pulling it off when he hears Yanan calling out to him again. His mind tells him to turn around; his instincts tell him to run.

 

Hyunggu runs again.

 

He barely makes it half a block before the flowers, fully in bloom, burst from his throat, so violently that he falls to his knees. Hyunggu can’t tell if he’s choking on the petals or his own tears, can’t hear anything but the furious beating of his own heart. The flowers just won’t stop coming; they’re stained with blood now, scratching his throat raw. His world is purple, until it’s black.

 

Hyunggu wakes up slowly. His throat hurts, his knees hurt, his heart  _ aches _ , and when he remembers how he ended up here, he kind of just wants to go back to sleep. Before he can, though, there’s a gentle knock on the hospital room’s door before a gentle-looking man steps inside.

“Hi Hyunggu,” he greets, “I’m Dr. Yeo.”

 

The doctor asks Hyunggu how he’s feeling (awful), and tells him how he got here (in an ambulance, after Yanan and Yuto watched him collapse). He says a lot of things about hanahaki disease that Hyunggu (unfortunately) already knows, and then he says,

 

“What do you want to do next?”

 

Hyunggu’s made up his mind already. He  _ knows _ what he wants to do next. He wants to get his flowers extracted, he wants to move on with his life, he wants to forget that this ever happened. He knows what he wants, so why is it so hard to say it out loud?

 

“I know this is a difficult choice, Hyunggu, and I’ll give you some time to make the decision, but your condition is pretty serious, so I’d rather you--”

 

“Take them out,” Hyunggu coughs a bit. “Please, take the flowers out.”

 

…

 

This is how it’s supposed to go: Hyunggu’s surgery gets scheduled for two days later. He makes a couple phone calls, mostly to his parents. He spends the days leading up to his surgery making peace with his feelings, trying to decide how he’s going to tell Yanan. He gets his flowers removed and everything is fine.

 

Instead, after the doctor has left, before Hyunggu can even entertain the idea of falling back asleep, Yuto and Yanan show up at his door. Hyunggu feels like throwing up. He does, actually, coughs out a couple petals into his hands.

 

“Ggu--”

 

“It’s okay,” Hyunggu smiles weakly at Yuto, “I’m getting them out. You and Yanan--”

 

“Me and Yanan  _ nothing _ , Hyunggu, you’re not--”

 

Hyunggu huffs out a breath. “Stop interrupting me. I’m getting the flowers out, I want to… I want to forget about this.”

 

Yanan takes a step forward, but stops when Hyunggu flinches away from him. “You--”

 

“I’m sorry, Hyunggu,” he says, “I know what we did was fucked up, and if you still want to go through with the surgery after this I’ll-- we’ll understand. But hear us out first, please.”

 

Hyunggu nods silently, and Yuto stretches a hand out to him, fingers curled. Hesitantly, Hyunggu reaches out, and Yuto places a flower-- his flower-- into his hand.

 

There are two flowers, Hyunggu realizes, both slightly wilted, both stained brown with his own blood. Two identical violets, except that when he looks more closely, they’re not identical.

 

“Are these…?”

 

“Yes,” breathes Yanan, barely a whisper, “They’re… they’re two different flowers, Ggu.”

 

Hyunggu lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. But who? He knows the answer as soon as he wonders it, looks up to find Yuto already staring back at his, eyes watery.

 

“Do you?” he whispers, “Do you love me?”

Yuto nods silently, tears finally spilling over. Hyunggu wants to reach out to him, wants to hold on and never let go, but he can’t take his eyes away from where Yanan’s hand is curled around Yuto’s waist.

 

Hyunggu clenches his jaw, fighting back the words that are threatening to burst like flowers from his chest, words like  _ How could you do this to me?  _ and  _ If you love me, then why? _

 

Yanan’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “Hyunggu,” he begins, running a hand through his hair, “I love you. I love you and I’m sorry that I made you doubt that,” he winces, runs a hand through his hair again-- a nervous habit.

 

“I know that this doesn’t make everything okay, and I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I hope that… I hope you’ll consider this-- Us,” he finishes, voice dropping back to a whisper. Hyunggu can see his hands shaking, but Yanan doesn’t break his gaze.

 

“I need time to think about it,” Hyunggu chooses his words carefully, but his mind is already made up.

 

…

 

This is how it goes: Hyunggu does his best to explain the situation to Dr. Yeo, with the promise to come back in for a check-up the next week. He goes home with Yuto to their apartment, and when he opens the door, Yanan is already waiting on the couch.

 

They talk, and cry, and talk and talk and talk, and Hyunggu hasn’t been able to breathe this easy in so, so long. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally !! this is the longest fic i've written to date, and possibly the longest thing i will ever write, seeing as it took me forever and a day. thank you to everyone who has read this over the past six months, and to everyone who will read it now that it's completed. it's been quite a journey.
> 
> in my mind, they don't all date at first, because hyunggu has to trust them all again, but they talk a lot and work stuff out between them. eventually they do date, and when yuto and hyunggu graduate, the three of them all get an apartment together and adopt a cat that they all call different names.
> 
> again, thank you everyone who's made it this far ! i hope you enjoyed it-- leave a comment or come talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xyigua) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/xyingtian).


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